Song to listen to – Manic by Coleman Hell
Lately, I have been struggling. A lot. But it seems like no one notices. I am outside of my body screaming at it to do something about how it feels. To tell someone about how I am feeling. But I don’t want to bother anyone. I feel like me telling someone that I am struggling but I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Everyone has something going on and if it seems like they don’t. You’re wrong. They are just better at hiding it then some. I haven’t really been eating or feeling. I think that is what scares me the most. I am not feeling much of anything. I know I should be and realize that something is wrong but….. I am just tired. Tired of fighting this. Fighting day in day out. This invisible war that wreaks havoc on my mind and body. Feeling like I am drowning in a crowd. The constant feeling of something is going to wrong.
Somehow I still get up. Many people still get up and do what they have to do. It might take all of their willpower they have.
Those people are the some of the strongest people this world has.
“Oh but you seem so outgoing”
“No not you”
“You are so personable and bubbly”
Well, I am a really good actress people.
High functioning anxiety is a thorn in my side. I could have been up all night and cried myself to sleep. But I am up the next day going about my business like nothing happened. I don’t bring it up or draw attention to myself and do my work. I laugh at the appropriate times and smile at people. When people ask if something is wrong I just tell them that I didn’t sleep the well the night before.
Fake it till you make it
Then when you actually open up to someone they say something like “oh I never would have guessed” or something along those lines. I am fully aware I do not seem like the person to have a panic attack over the fact that I may or may not have said something. I know I don’t seem like the person to worry about every little thing that is or isn’t within my control.
But I am.
And telling me that I don’t seem like the person to be like that isn’t really a compliment. It is more of a nod toward our acting skills or lying skills whatever one you think it should fall into.
People in my high school always want to be different. They wanted to be the super cool hipster or something that was like everyone else. As I watched them I was confused because I wanted none of what they wanted. I wanted to be normal. Well, I am normal and having a mental health issue doesn’t make you bad or inferior in any way but I didn’t know that back then. Even now I wish I didn’t have to deal with this heavy pressure on my chest that stays there for days. Or breaking down for no idea. Being scared of going over to your really good friend’s house, even when you nothing bad is going to happen but that little monster bully voice whatever you want to call it tells you different and it is so loud and overpowering sometimes it is hard for the logical side to win. Tangent sorry.
Back in high school, I watched all these people try to be different and that’s great. I love it now. Yet back then I didn’t know why they would want to do that. I was different and felt so alone and isolated from everyone around me. I wanted to be normal by their standards so much but I never could be and I never will be. It is okay because I know who I am even with my anxiety and depression. And I think I am still pretty cool. And I am sure all of you are too.
I mean being normal is overrated anyway.