Since it is the end of 2017 I did some reflecting.
I hope everyone has had a great holiday and has a wonderful New Year.
It’s the small steps that are usually the biggest when you look back. It is true. One small step that I look back on in my life is asking for help. My mom got me to see a therapist and it has helped me in ways I can’t even explain. The second one is going on medication. There is such a stigma with that word ‘medication’ but there shouldn’t be. The medication helped my brain produce the chemicals that I am lacking. The third is doing two speeches at my graduation in front of hundreds of people. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal but if you would have told me that three years before that I would have laughed, then probably have been anxious about it (lol). The fourth and probably the best of them all is applying for college. It was the middle of the summer when I did this I wasn’t expecting to get in and had plans to travel but not even a week later I got my acceptance letter saying I had gotten in and then I was set off down this unknown path. I have met incredible people in this program and have found something that I love to do. So you never know what that small step will look like unless you just take it. No thinking not overthinking. Just take the step.
Sorry for the late post I was writing exams.
See I am an awkward person by nature. It takes me a while before I can be open around some. Or just my goofy self really. I see this being a problem when it comes to dating. I mean I might really like this person and if I can’t even look them in the eye. I don’t see the relationship going far. (no pun intended) But I think there is someone out there for everyone. And hopefully, there is someone out there who will be able to out wait my awkwardness and see the real me. I guess we will have to see. Yet in the same breath, I am happy being single right now. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy I can make my own happiness and I have other people in my life that I enjoy being around. I am working on a career and future that I can be proud and happy with.
There is so much pressure on people finding a SO and I have always felt like I am failing someone by not having a boyfriend. When I think about it right now when the logical part of my brain is in control. I am not failing anyone. I have friends who enjoy me and a family who supports me.
I am working on myself, by myself, for myself.
People in my high school always want to be different. They wanted to be the super cool hipster or something that was like everyone else. As I watched them I was confused because I wanted none of what they wanted. I wanted to be normal. Well, I am normal and having a mental health issue doesn’t make you bad or inferior in any way but I didn’t know that back then. Even now I wish I didn’t have to deal with this heavy pressure on my chest that stays there for days. Or breaking down for no idea. Being scared of going over to your really good friend’s house, even when you nothing bad is going to happen but that little monster bully voice whatever you want to call it tells you different and it is so loud and overpowering sometimes it is hard for the logical side to win. Tangent sorry.
Back in high school, I watched all these people try to be different and that’s great. I love it now. Yet back then I didn’t know why they would want to do that. I was different and felt so alone and isolated from everyone around me. I wanted to be normal by their standards so much but I never could be and I never will be. It is okay because Iknow who I am even with my anxiety and depression. And I think I am still pretty cool. And I am sure all of you are too.
I mean being normal is overrated anyway.