Struggle

WTP - Lake:boat

Song to listen to – Manic by Coleman Hell

Lately, I have been struggling. A lot. But it seems like no one notices. I am outside of my body screaming at it to do something about how it feels. To tell someone about how I am feeling. But I don’t want to bother anyone. I feel like me telling someone that I am struggling but I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Everyone has something going on and if it seems like they don’t. You’re wrong. They are just better at hiding it then some. I haven’t really been eating or feeling. I think that is what scares me the most. I am not feeling much of anything. I know I should be and realize that something is wrong but….. I am just tired. Tired of fighting this. Fighting day in day out. This invisible war that wreaks havoc on my mind and body. Feeling like I am drowning in a crowd. The constant feeling of something is going to wrong.

But.

Somehow I still get up. Many people still get up and do what they have to do. It might take all of their willpower they have.

And

Those people are the some of the strongest people this world has.

High Functioning: Act Two

WTP - Door

“Oh but you seem so outgoing”

“No not you”

“You are so personable and bubbly”

Well, I am a really good actress people.

High functioning anxiety is a thorn in my side. I could have been up all night and cried myself to sleep. But I am up the next day going about my business like nothing happened. I don’t bring it up or draw attention to myself and do my work. I laugh at the appropriate times and smile at people. When people ask if something is wrong I just tell them that I didn’t sleep the well the night before.

Fake it till you make it

Then when you actually open up to someone they say something like “oh I never would have guessed” or something along those lines. I am fully aware I do not seem like the person to have a panic attack over the fact that I may or may not have said something. I know I don’t seem like the person to worry about every little thing that is or isn’t within my control.

But I am.

And telling me that I don’t seem like the person to be like that isn’t really a compliment. It is more of a nod toward our acting skills or lying skills whatever one you think it should fall into.

 

Physical Response

Zipper 2 - wm

It’s that feeling of free falling than getting slammed back into reality

So I have noticed something about myself lately. I am hyper-aware of what I do and say. Comes with the anxiety, I guess that might just be me. Anyway. When I am put into a situation that I know I will be able to handle or everything will be okay. The logical part of my brain knows this but the anxiety part doesn’t, so instead of trying to talk how everything that possibly could go wrong it does this neat little trick where it gets my body to react.

For example first day of school. I am in college and I knew all the people who were going to be in my classes because it is a small program. Yet I still wanted to throw up and my hands were sweaty. There was that huge weight on my chest that threatened to restrict my breathing. I was on edge the whole day which was not good because it is draining doing that. Hiding how anxious you are or trying not to show the symptoms of being anxious. It is frustrating to talk to anyone about it because I have been on the same track how many times, I know everything is going to turn out okay or I will be able to handle whatever happens. But apparently, my body didn’t get the memo.

The reality test. 

WTP - Flowers

The reality test its a way of reasoning with yourself and calm your self down. My therapist taught it to me and my mom so she could help me with it when I was too worked up. Well, it works for me.

All you have to do is ask yourself one question

“What is the reality of the situation?” We will use the example of the party to make it easy. I am always anxious to go hang out with my friends. No real reason why I am anxious I just am.

“I know these people. They enjoy my company and I have hung out with them before. I am a likable person.”

It is simple and it doesn’t work all the time. The reality test is about timing. When you feel anxious but not to far gone that you might talk yourself into a panic attack. I have done that before too.

Love Life… Ugh

Sorry for the late post I was writing exams.Version 2

See I am an awkward person by nature. It takes me a while before I can be open around some. Or just my goofy self really. I see this being a problem when it comes to dating. I mean I might really like this person and if I can’t even look them in the eye. I don’t see the relationship going far. (no pun intended) But I think there is someone out there for everyone. And hopefully, there is someone out there who will be able to out wait my awkwardness and see the real me. I guess we will have to see. Yet in the same breath, I am happy being single right now. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy I can make my own happiness and I have other people in my life that I enjoy being around. I am working on a career and future that I can be proud and happy with.

There is so much pressure on people finding a SO and I have always felt like I am failing someone by not having a boyfriend. When I think about it right now when the logical part of my brain is in control. I am not failing anyone. I have friends who enjoy me and a family who supports me.

I am working on myself, by myself, for myself.

E.L.