Physical Response

Zipper 2 - wm

It’s that feeling of free falling than getting slammed back into reality

So I have noticed something about myself lately. I am hyper-aware of what I do and say. Comes with the anxiety, I guess that might just be me. Anyway. When I am put into a situation that I know I will be able to handle or everything will be okay. The logical part of my brain knows this but the anxiety part doesn’t, so instead of trying to talk how everything that possibly could go wrong it does this neat little trick where it gets my body to react.

For example first day of school. I am in college and I knew all the people who were going to be in my classes because it is a small program. Yet I still wanted to throw up and my hands were sweaty. There was that huge weight on my chest that threatened to restrict my breathing. I was on edge the whole day which was not good because it is draining doing that. Hiding how anxious you are or trying not to show the symptoms of being anxious. It is frustrating to talk to anyone about it because I have been on the same track how many times, I know everything is going to turn out okay or I will be able to handle whatever happens. But apparently, my body didn’t get the memo.

High functioning anxiety:​ Act one

WTP - Winter forest

No one talks about high functioning anxiety much. I want to talk about it because no one seems to grasp the concept of it. High functioning anxiety is a person who has anxiety and keeps living their everyday life. We do things that are odd to people who do not deal with anxiety. I know that I will check my bag or purse like at least five different times before I leave the house. (I have to commute to my school so I don’t want to forget something.) But I have been doing this since I was a kid and never thought it was odd until it was pointed out to me. The second one was that I get super anxious when talking in class. My heart should not race like I just sprinted 100m when I answer a question…. Right? I thought that was normal until I brought it up to my mom.

These are just a few things that I have noticed about myself. High function anxiety sucks. A lot. I get up to go to school/work and have to keep pushing. Even if I want to just curl up and not deal with the outside world. There is another thing about it that really sucks. Everyone assumes that you are fine because you are up and about doing things that everyone else is doing. But on the inside, my anxious brain and logical brain are in a huge wrestling match. But there is no crowd and no one seems to ask you.

The reality test. 

WTP - Flowers

The reality test its a way of reasoning with yourself and calm your self down. My therapist taught it to me and my mom so she could help me with it when I was too worked up. Well, it works for me.

All you have to do is ask yourself one question

“What is the reality of the situation?” We will use the example of the party to make it easy. I am always anxious to go hang out with my friends. No real reason why I am anxious I just am.

“I know these people. They enjoy my company and I have hung out with them before. I am a likable person.”

It is simple and it doesn’t work all the time. The reality test is about timing. When you feel anxious but not to far gone that you might talk yourself into a panic attack. I have done that before too.

Challenges

WTP - Bridge

Lately, I have challenged myself, well my anxiety really. I will do something that gives me anxiety. Like today I went for a steam with my friend and I went shopping with wet hair. I did feel the stares and it freaked me out. But I was still able to dome shopping and function as a normal human without wanting to crawl into a hole. I still want to do that sometimes. But my real question is, Does it work? I have no idea. I like to think it does because deep down, deep deep down, I know that if I am put in that situation again I know I will be able to handle myself.

E.L.

Love Life… Ugh

Sorry for the late post I was writing exams.Version 2

See I am an awkward person by nature. It takes me a while before I can be open around some. Or just my goofy self really. I see this being a problem when it comes to dating. I mean I might really like this person and if I can’t even look them in the eye. I don’t see the relationship going far. (no pun intended) But I think there is someone out there for everyone. And hopefully, there is someone out there who will be able to out wait my awkwardness and see the real me. I guess we will have to see. Yet in the same breath, I am happy being single right now. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy I can make my own happiness and I have other people in my life that I enjoy being around. I am working on a career and future that I can be proud and happy with.

There is so much pressure on people finding a SO and I have always felt like I am failing someone by not having a boyfriend. When I think about it right now when the logical part of my brain is in control. I am not failing anyone. I have friends who enjoy me and a family who supports me.

I am working on myself, by myself, for myself.

E.L.

Normal is Overrated

Flower 1

People in my high school always want to be different. They wanted to be the super cool hipster or something that was like everyone else. As I watched them I was confused because I wanted none of what they wanted. I wanted to be normal. Well, I am normal and having a mental health issue doesn’t make you bad or inferior in any way but I didn’t know that back then. Even now I wish I didn’t have to deal with this heavy pressure on my chest that stays there for days. Or breaking down for no idea. Being scared of going over to your really good friend’s house, even when you nothing bad is going to happen but that little monster bully voice whatever you want to call it tells you different and it is so loud and overpowering sometimes it is hard for the logical side to win. Tangent sorry.

Back in high school, I watched all these people try to be different and that’s great. I love it now. Yet back then I didn’t know why they would want to do that. I was different and felt so alone and isolated from everyone around me. I wanted to be normal by their standards so much but I never could be and I never will be. It is okay because Iknow who I am even with my anxiety and depression. And I think I am still pretty cool. And I am sure all of you are too.

I mean being normal is overrated anyway.

E.L.

Bruised And A Little Broken.

Fountain - wtp

Life is a tough thing to handle. And some people, unfortunately, are better at handling it. Everyone has their off days and that’s okay.We are allowed to be a little bruised and broken. Life throws things at us that we never expected, and we are just supposed to catch it in time and hope for the best. Sometimes we miss the catch and it hit us and we get hurt. We learn how to deal with the bruises and the brokenness that are the result of us missing the catch. But we need to keep trying to catch the ball as the little monster in our heads keep throwing them at us so we can hopefully learn how to catch a few.