Why is dating so hard. It should be easy. A text here and a smile there. But nope. I am an introvert…. obviously but I am also a bit of a loner. I am comfortable being by myself. I enjoy my alone time. And with that comes the need to be independent. Fiercely independent. Then suddenly you are texting someone all the time and they want to see you. Like what is this strange new world that I have just been dropped into? And how do I get out?
I am an independent introverted loner. And I am slowly becoming okay with that. I know what to expect and there is no need to depend on anyone else but myself. Then enter the guy (or girl. Whatever your preference) He is cute, charming and outgoing. Everything you aren’t. And you think this might work…. if I can get through the raging anxiety of the unknown and being hurt. But then anxiety slowly starts to pick apart the relationship, you or even turns on the innocent guy. Then what? Do you ghost them? Do you hope for the best? Or just call it quits and become a cat lady, well I would be a dog lady but the point reminds.
Since it is the end of 2017 I did some reflecting.
I hope everyone has had a great holiday and has a wonderful New Year.
It’s the small steps that are usually the biggest when you look back. It is true. One small step that I look back on in my life is asking for help. My mom got me to see a therapist and it has helped me in ways I can’t even explain. The second one is going on medication. There is such a stigma with that word ‘medication’ but there shouldn’t be. The medication helped my brain produce the chemicals that I am lacking. The third is doing two speeches at my graduation in front of hundreds of people. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal but if you would have told me that three years before that I would have laughed, then probably have been anxious about it (lol). The fourth and probably the best of them all is applying for college. It was the middle of the summer when I did this I wasn’t expecting to get in and had plans to travel but not even a week later I got my acceptance letter saying I had gotten in and then I was set off down this unknown path. I have met incredible people in this program and have found something that I love to do. So you never know what that small step will look like unless you just take it. No thinking not overthinking. Just take the step.
See I am an awkward person by nature. It takes me a while before I can be open around some. Or just my goofy self really. I see this being a problem when it comes to dating. I mean I might really like this person and if I can’t even look them in the eye. I don’t see the relationship going far. (no pun intended) But I think there is someone out there for everyone. And hopefully, there is someone out there who will be able to out wait my awkwardness and see the real me. I guess we will have to see. Yet in the same breath, I am happy being single right now. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy I can make my own happiness and I have other people in my life that I enjoy being around. I am working on a career and future that I can be proud and happy with.
There is so much pressure on people finding a SO and I have always felt like I am failing someone by not having a boyfriend. When I think about it right now when the logical part of my brain is in control. I am not failing anyone. I have friends who enjoy me and a family who supports me.
I once had to call my best friend from outside a coffee shop before I went in because I was going to stand the guy up and text saying came up. Really Classy right? But here is the thing, with anxiety and throw some depression into an already awkward person, you do not get a good combination. Low self-esteem, not a good conversationalist and I can’t sit still. So with this one situation, I was having a full-on panic attack for multiple reasons, which I think are all logical reasons to have a panic attack about meeting another human being to have coffee. (lol the probably not)
1 I meet this guy on a dating app,
2 automatically gives me a 50/50 shot that this guy is a creep.
3 I don’t know what he looks like.
4, We could have nothing to talk about,
5 I could spill my drink all over him or me or a complete stranger cause I am clumsy.
6 He will think I am Ugly.
The list goes on. But she was like okay I get that ( mind you, she has anxiety to so she gets where my mind goes) But you are never going to go anywhere if you listen to your anxiety all the time. And she gave me all the actual logical reasons
Okay the one thing that seems to constantly confuse me is dating. Today’s dating should be easy for an introvert like me right? It’s all dating apps! No need for awkward conversation that makes you want to run and hide. It is up until you have to meet the person. Or they want your Snapchat. So many things happen at once when those six words pop up on the screen. “when do you want to meet?” Knee jerk reaction is to say never and move on with your life. But then the logical side of my brain says that we have to give this a chance or we will never find a guy or go on a date. (No that doesn’t matter but it’s nice to be liked by someone. You know?) The anxiety-filled part of your brain says to say that you don’t want to date. But that’s silly cause you arena a dating app for a reason right? to get dates. So that excuse doesn’t work. But this guy seems nice not pushy and into the same thing you are, so why not, right? Live life to the fullest and all that jazz. But once you guys set up a time to meet the nerve set in. And I should say that nerves for me are like normal nerves on crack and speed all at once. But I go and have a good time or a bad time and eight times out of ten I won’t talk to the guy again. BUT the nerves get to me. Then once the date is over I feel accomplished. I faced my anxiety and pushed past it, and it felt good when I did that. So I keep pushing through my anxiety just so I can show myself I can.