How can you tell when your gut is trying to tell you something or it is just anxiety eating away at your stomach. I always have been on to follow my “gut” but lately, I can’t tell. I am having mixed feelings about this certain person and don’t know if they have good intentions and if they should stay in my life. Everyone seems to think I am just overthinking but I am not sure if they are right. But when I was talking to my therapist (Yes I see a therapist. And I think everyone should) She told me to go with what feels good or right. So if the situation doesn’t sit right with me anywhere then I should get out of it. But I need to figure out the difference between instinct and anxiety. so this is what I have figured out so far: (This is just me. Might be different for you)
My anxiety makes me feel physically ill. Its constant and doesn’t let up regardless if I am still in that situation. And it makes my heart race.
My gut instinct is only at the moment. It is more of a feeling or vibe (if that makes sense) it is not a physical feeling. But it can be depending on the situation like the hairs on the back of your neck standing up, but that is for like serious stuff.
All in all. This is still a work in progress and I think it will always be a work in progress. But I am okay with that because I know anxiety is something that is just going to go away.
Everything is great. Everything is going so well. On the outside yes. Inside… not so much. People always tell me how great I am doing and how I am so bubbly. I smile, nod, I might even throw in a laugh or sarcastic comment. Who knows! But little do they know on the inside I have thought of 27 things wrong with me and the number keeps rising. They don’t know I spent a whole half hour trying to get out of bed. No one sees the dark circles because you spent so long covering them up.
Everyone is excited about the new chapter of their life. You are too, but anxiety is having a hay day on this whole adult thing. There are seven million things that could go wrong. Then you think you have solved one and then anxiety shows you 8 other way of looking at it, that don’t make sense to logic but you end up playing along.
Why is dating so hard. It should be easy. A text here and a smile there. But nope. I am an introvert…. obviously but I am also a bit of a loner. I am comfortable being by myself. I enjoy my alone time. And with that comes the need to be independent. Fiercely independent. Then suddenly you are texting someone all the time and they want to see you. Like what is this strange new world that I have just been dropped into? And how do I get out?
I am an independent introverted loner. And I am slowly becoming okay with that. I know what to expect and there is no need to depend on anyone else but myself. Then enter the guy (or girl. Whatever your preference) He is cute, charming and outgoing. Everything you aren’t. And you think this might work…. if I can get through the raging anxiety of the unknown and being hurt. But then anxiety slowly starts to pick apart the relationship, you or even turns on the innocent guy. Then what? Do you ghost them? Do you hope for the best? Or just call it quits and become a cat lady, well I would be a dog lady but the point reminds.
I am a big advocate for talking about mental health and ending the stigma. I talk about it when people ask me but I don’t go seeking them out. They seem to find me. Just different people from some of my best friends to people I have just met. They all seem to just spill everything that is on their mind out to me. Which I am completely okay with and think it is good to have someone to talk to about everything. Even if you aren’t looking for a solution. Yet where is the line where I have to take a step back and be like ‘whoa okay. I need to take a second’. Where do I maybe to say that I can’t be that person anymore because I need to look after myself and my mental health too. I want to help people but when I am barely keeping my head above water and then I take on this? It’s like adding weights to my ankles. I know I shouldn’t be taking it on but I just feel everything.
I just don’t know where to draw the line.
I don’t know when to say that I can only handle so much.
Since it is the end of 2017 I did some reflecting.
I hope everyone has had a great holiday and has a wonderful New Year.
It’s the small steps that are usually the biggest when you look back. It is true. One small step that I look back on in my life is asking for help. My mom got me to see a therapist and it has helped me in ways I can’t even explain. The second one is going on medication. There is such a stigma with that word ‘medication’ but there shouldn’t be. The medication helped my brain produce the chemicals that I am lacking. The third is doing two speeches at my graduation in front of hundreds of people. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal but if you would have told me that three years before that I would have laughed, then probably have been anxious about it (lol). The fourth and probably the best of them all is applying for college. It was the middle of the summer when I did this I wasn’t expecting to get in and had plans to travel but not even a week later I got my acceptance letter saying I had gotten in and then I was set off down this unknown path. I have met incredible people in this program and have found something that I love to do. So you never know what that small step will look like unless you just take it. No thinking not overthinking. Just take the step.
Lately, I have challenged myself, well my anxiety really. I will do something that gives me anxiety. Like today I went for a steam with my friend and I went shopping with wet hair. I did feel the stares and it freaked me out. But I was still able to dome shopping and function as a normal human without wanting to crawl into a hole. I still want to do that sometimes. But my real question is, Does it work? I have no idea. I like to think it does because deep down, deep deep down, I know that if I am put in that situation again I know I will be able to handle myself.
See I am an awkward person by nature. It takes me a while before I can be open around some. Or just my goofy self really. I see this being a problem when it comes to dating. I mean I might really like this person and if I can’t even look them in the eye. I don’t see the relationship going far. (no pun intended) But I think there is someone out there for everyone. And hopefully, there is someone out there who will be able to out wait my awkwardness and see the real me. I guess we will have to see. Yet in the same breath, I am happy being single right now. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy I can make my own happiness and I have other people in my life that I enjoy being around. I am working on a career and future that I can be proud and happy with.
There is so much pressure on people finding a SO and I have always felt like I am failing someone by not having a boyfriend. When I think about it right now when the logical part of my brain is in control. I am not failing anyone. I have friends who enjoy me and a family who supports me.